In my practice and on a regular basis I’m exposed to lovers remorse, lovers shunned, and just plain unhappy lovers. I’m no stranger to the joys and scars that loving someone can produce.It’s my focus and joy to help clients see what happened, what is happening, and what will happen based on the current situation.
While this article is focused on limerant behaviour, the major cause for it and most importantly how to get over a fixation or misplaced love for another person, it may also be useful for anyone trying to get over someone.
Limerence
After consulting many clients and reflecting on personal experiences it’s been found the tension of ambiguity and hope causes, develops, and sustains limerence after the LO (Love Object also referenced here as love interest) has injected some sort of “sparkle” into your life. If there’s a sense that a perpetuating false or half-hearted involvement is occurring (unrequited limerence) and your love interest or yourself is confronted about that (so your connection may be seen for what it truly is) the healing process can begin.
Here’s what to do to help you get over being limerant, a break-up, heartbreak, connection:
- Deeply analyze what you are or were getting out of the connection. Whether you hash this out with your love interest; a traditional therapist; psychic coach or counselor (like myself); a close, sympathetic, and understanding friend; forum or online community group such as Tribe, etc. make sure you do it. Why? Once clarity is found, the past can be cleared, closure can be gained, forward movement with open energy can begin, and a strategy not to repeat what doesn’t work and to ignite energy into what can. Write out all your questions… all your Why’s… and then set about getting them answered to your satisfaction.
- Cut-off all ties or at the very least diminish involvement or exposure to your LO, as difficult as that is. Basically invoke the no contact rule. Don’t visit your LO’s page on social media sites such as Facebook, MySpace, or LiveJournal or don’t visit the site at all if it’s hard not to. Don’t check your personal email, for a few days at a time to a week, if they happen to keep contacting you. Remove their number from your phone (you can place their number elsewhere). etc… This is an exercise in self-discipline and will give the added benefit of knowing you accomplished something difficult, when successful.
- Would you be friends if you didn’t, couldn’t sleep with them? Would you want to just hang out and not be romantic or touchy at all? If you can say yes, they are a keeper. If not, it’s time to cut the ties permanently. Even if you can say yes, it’s still time to cut ties temporarily until you can reset, rebalance, and compose yourself. However, keep in mind an LO can say or do things that will spin your world upside down no matter how much distance has taken place. In these cases, sometimes it’s just best to find that deep and intense connection elsewhere.
- Don’t put any stock in what you see or hear unless it’s something solid and clear. Otherwise, view it as a quirk of theirs and that they just have no ability to be direct, forthright, and honest with you as they are emotionally unavailable.
- If there’s anything that connects you to your love interest that you can not stop doing or having, change the connection or association. You will need to do this consciously. Start adding new meaning to an activity, object, etc. that is NOT connected to your LO. Remove or hide anything vaguely related to them. Out of sight gets you to out of mind.
- Take a good hard look at their flaws. I know this is hard to do. A lot of my clients, when asked: What are their flaws? well, they can’t see any at first. :/ I know this is hard to do but if you don’t allow yourself to do it, it’s not going to help. If you need an objective listener and questioner to help you see the flaws, call me. If you find your self-esteem is low and needs a boost, call me.
- What Lessons Learned were learned? What did you learn about yourself? List the good, the bad, and the ugly. After all the hurt and pain, what do you resolve to repeat or NOT repeat going forward? What did you find were your strengths? What were your challenges? My friend J.G. reminded me to remind you to remember your value and worth, that the love and strengths brought to any connection can be carried over to a new connection / relationship.
- I have asked this question to limerent people and I always get quite a lame response: What do you love about your LO? If you are saying: I don’t know or It’s just something about them or something else that has nothing to do with qualities of that person you (or anyone else) would love separate and distinct from your connection to them; you do NOT love them. You do NOT see them for who they are.
- Read stories about other limerants, those who have broken up, breaking up, get community help and be involved in helping other people deal with their broken hearts and minds. It helps to know you are not alone, not crazy, and it may give more clues to what happened, what is happening, and what will happen when all is said and done. It also helps to keep reading other people’s stories especially when you are cycling back into a fantasy or hope for the relationship to be more than what it is which is, to be blunt, nothing.
This is what to do to bring life back into your world:
- Continue to improve yourself (a side benefit of limerance) but also begin accomplishing some of your other dreams and desires that may have been dependent upon your LO reciprocating your love. Basically “get-on” with your life.
- Don’t waste your day thinking about tomorrow. Plans made today about tomorrow can then be worked today. Focus on TODAY! Thinking about a future that is out of one’s control causes anxiety. So unless a plan is being made for tomorrow, barring positive visualization and preparation tasks, just enjoy every moment, today — as it comes.
- Set new goals and create new projects. Perhaps it’s cleaning out your closet, organizing some paperwork, putting together an educational application, etc.
- What was missing in your life before your love interest entered and more importantly how can you get that back from something else, someone else and in a constructive way.
- Meet new people. Yup, I know. There’s no one better than your LO. It’s going to be hard but just force yourself to meet new people and learn to accept that very few people are going to give you that high. Then again, very few people are going to give you that low either. That’s a good thing! Or how about hooking up with old friends before all this crap came crashing down upon you.
- Which brings me to spirituality, faith, and religion. Turn to it. Buddhism is a great place if you are not sure where to go. Philosophically or otherwise, for a lot of people, it encourages a sense of peace and non-attachment. It’s very Pisces in many ways. Dealing with concepts such as acceptance, compassion, and letting go.
- Work out. Eat well. Sleep. Take Your Vitamins. Plans things to do the night before so when you wake, you know what to do.
- Keep yourself busy. Put together pampering days for yourself. Book a massage, spa day, or mini hotel getaway with swimming pool.
- Fake it till you make it. So you are still pining over Mr. or Ms. Wonderful. Just keep telling yourself they aren’t and you aren’t. Eventually it will take. 😉
Is there something wrong with me?
What I want you all to know is that a) you are NOT crazy or sick b) your LO is / was probably doing or saying something that is / was consciously or subconsciously ambiguous, undefined and giving you some sense of hope that your interest is being / would be reciprocated. c) Yes, in some way, they DO like the attention. However, do understand it comes from a place of self-interest or selfishness. Your needs are not generally thought of.
Where do I go from here?
It will take some time to move forward; however, you must WANT to. As can be read from various personal stories (see links below), some limerant people just have the nature to be limerant and quite enjoy the high and rush that comes along with it. Some like not doing anything about it due to fear of having to take responsibility for their lives again: What’s next? However, this shows a lack in their life and they can gain pleasure and a game plan by other healthy and constructive means with a dose of soul searching. All the best and if you need a helpful ear, CallJucy.com 🙂
I have also found stories, articles, blog posts from BaggageReclaim useful for spotting and dealing with problematic and toxic people: Example — How to Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Man –> Scroll down to the bottom for blog comments.
Further Learning
Links on Limerance
Videos — #1 http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessResource/story?id=7183013 #2 http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessResource/story?id=7183007
Wiki — http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance
Article on the Power of Love & Limerance —
http://luv.tribe.net/thread/38230302-d261-436d-a321-b603fa9d2ae9
12 points of “What is Limerance” and How to get over it:
http://www.psywww.com/intropsych/ch16_sfl/limerence.html
Is it possible to overcome limerant feelings yet remain close friends?: http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/c6d82c78-6225-4fcc-af3a-d083293b76ec
Personal Stories about Limerance:
Top 1000 Reasons we Hate Limerance: http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/40ff3176-a1c8-4357-bc1f-f0a9a2e78bb6
http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/f33333e7-d0d6-458d-ad50-1e921c3d1877
http://dailyuw.com/2007/10/18/not-love-fallin-in-limerance-part-1/
More on Love & Limerance
http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/relationships/from_love_and_limerence.htm
